Tag: adultery

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Family

Safety First

Everyone has a name for this woman who had sex with my husband. Some say that I have allowed her to be a homewrecker, some call her delilah, the wicked witch, slutty, among other names. It may be so, but I say, it takes two!

Putting a loved one at risk, may not be intentional, but rather, selfish, thoughtless and careless, at best. Yes, most agree that folks who do not respect a woman or a man wearing a wedding ring and makes advances shows a lack of self-respect that is daunting and unsettling. It is notable to say, sticks and stones in stating those names may be applicable and may be so, but I still say, again —it takes two!

Society seems to take sex lightly. The excuse mostly is it did not mean anything. Why do it in the first place? Quick pleasure, a boost to the ego, the excitement of sneaking around, or perhaps boredom?

Readers, think about this. Alright, if one did not wear a condom, technically, it meant one had sex with everyone that person have had sex with. Take this example, Readers. If someone were to put neon paintball on his jacket, and decides to hug another person, what do you think will happen? Well, that person will get paint on them, too, right? And, if that person hugs each subsequent person, each person who hugs them, hugs someone else, when the lights shine on each one, everyone would have neon markings on them. Please accept this analogy as a public service announcement of how venereal disease such as gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV/AIDs and others spread like wildfire. Each time one sleeps with one person who may be sleeping around, they get to share whatever disease that person has. I try to teach folks safety first, and I want my Readers to be informed. Some of these folk are ill, but darn it, they look good, as they are curvy, chunky, buffed, not scrawny and gaunt.

When I met my husband nine years ago, I took him to Planned Parenthood for testing. I supposed he got so comfortable, he forgot. No one understood why I put him out the same night I found out he had a two-year old child. I thought our marriage was above infidelity. I guess I was stupid. I was broken from the shock. I was alone and torn. But God! I say it again, His grace and mercy has kept me through this emotional rollercoaster. My faith in Him has lifted me up. He has strengthen me beyond belief. I trust in Him for his guidance and accept whatever pathway He is leading me to. He will supply all of my needs.

I asked a 21 year old young women, “how did you contract HIV” she answered, “while I was pregnant, they ran a blood test at the clinic”. She does not appear to be emaciated or look sick. She appears to be in great health on the outside. She takes her medications daily and does not use a condom. There goes the paintball, Readers!

Food for thought, after the act one may feel ashamed and regretful, but that may be short lived, as the excitement of getting away with it may overtake the senses. Avoid pregnancy by simply putting on a condom. My husband did not. If one is going to cheat, please protect your spouse. Well, you know.

I hope those who advise me to stay, have a better understanding from my perspective. Yes, he wants to come back, yes he promised it will never happen again, My trust is gone. I cannot immerse my head like an ostrich in the sand. That is my choice. It should never have happened in the first place. Snip, snip!

Positive affirmation: Each one, teach one!

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Family

I Ain’t Too Proud to Beg

I have said, that I have had to block numerous folks from both my phone and my life. When God has given you peace, you do not want to go back to the drama again. I am not distraught, nor angry, rather I have clarity. I am slowly getting to a peaceful place. Readers, prayer works and if we say that God is in control, it is oxymoronic to keep saying, “the devil did it, so you need to go back to your husband”. My response, besides expletives I dare not say aloud, is “the act of infidelity was evil, because my husband dishonored his marriage vows”. What does infidelity mean —the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse. I can, and have forgiven him. I may have left the gates opened when I worked nights and did not see my husband for a few days at a time as he works days and our schedules were hectic. I may have taken our marriage for granted and thought it was fine. Things could have been rocky from his standpoint, but he never said a thing. I’m not making excuses because I could have been ever present, and fornication would have gotten through. Readers, for me, the act and getting involved all over again with a kid attached to a mother, is indeed, a deal breaker.

Folks are so concerned to tell me, “why are you putting your business out there”? I feel that, this is not only my business. This is anybody’s story who has ever experienced being cheated on and/or will someday experience it, as this affects, wife, husband, partners, children, grandchildren, friendships and households across the board. This is a teaching moment. It takes courage to fight through the talks, the looks, the pity party, and the watch party. It also takes courage to stand your ground in whatever direction the decision may take you.

Yes, there are mean-spirited folk who could not care less about me and how I am managing. There are those who may take advantage of the situation. There are those because of strife, who may harbor hatred in their heart. However, when his ex-wife, out of spite and anger, told me that he had a two-year old daughter with another woman – I thanked her and told her she had given me a gift to open my eyes. Why do I feel this way? Only because he, nor his family, would have never told me. If it were up to him, he would never say a word. Well, Readers, she has since text me how I have ruined her paternal relationship with him and her family and stated “you got what you deserve”. To that end, I say-again, what she meant for evil, when she told me in order to hurt me, God meant it for my good! I really appreciative that I know. I have been made aware and have taken a stand. It was a personal and individualized choice.

Over the past few weeks, I spoke with God and apologized for not seeking Him first prior putting my husband out. God knows my heart and know my tolerance level. Readers, I will always say, my husband is a nice person. I will not bad mouth him. Please note that I had to cut the cord to our marital relationship cold-turkey. I knew my husband would talk his way, back, therefore, I avoided him and even blocked him from my phone. He and his family looked in my face all this time and kept a well hidden secret.

He ain’t too proud to beg. Calls, text, or if he was not parked by the house and waiting showed he wanted to get back in with a snap. Unfortunately, due to mutual household issues, he finagled his way back to visit when I’m off or after work to help out with one thing or another. Apologizing, begging and telling me, God will make this work. And, how are we supposed to move on and not keep rehashing. Yes, Readers, he apologized 50 billion times. ‘I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back.” And I’m Sorry… I did not mean to hurt you (you did). And, get this, he says to move on and let it go. He says, let’s go to therapy (that hour would never be long enough). He says he would make more time for us (7 days should be 8, oh, boy). Begging and telling me to take him back, we will start over and drop everything. Is he kidding me? What about this kid, how does she fit in? Yep, I am like a Pitbull, I will not just simply jaw drop it and move on. Readers, I am not the kinda gal who shares a man. I was faithful. I was the ride or die spouse. I gave my all in this marriage. No desperation here, as it would eat at me from the inside. The questions keep coming in my head each time I see him. I just wanted the truth. However, I may never get it. Can closure be achieved without ever knowing some things? I think it can, perhaps at a slower pace. Therefore, the best thing is goodbye for my peace of mind. There is no going back for me. I have chosen to move on, alone in a more peaceful and therapeutic manner.

I have heard folks unload to me their innermost pain, that was bottled and hidden for years.  Blogging and talking about my experience is therapeutic not only for me, but for so many others.

This woman, was a greeter at a chain store I met this week.  All she simply said to me was, smile!  I said, lady, I have a lot on my mind.  She said what could possibly be wrong.  And I told her.  She stayed on point and continued to greet each passerby. She said, listen, and told me that she came from Haiti with 4 kids with a man who was a pastor.  She stated he never married her and asked that she just put a ring on for their church members’ observation.  She said it irked her and she knew it was not pleasing to God that she continued to live in sin, but he provided for them.  She said one day she had a dream and saw a young woman cuddling with her husband and she started beating her in her dream and the young girl stated, “don’t hit me anymore, I am pregnant”.  She stated, at that Sunday service she met the young woman.  She said, she continue to pray and never kicked her husband out.  He simply left one day and never looked back.  She said he married three other times and could never find what he was looking for.  She said, my kids are grown now and I remain in with the Lord.

My husband is trying and pleading for us to get back together.  He states, I have given you space, I still try to help with household expenses (I do not take), I tried to talk to you (I have a great memory, a diary and a cell phone timeline that reveals all lies) Before I blocked him again, he states, “I am going to get my wife back”. No, no you are not!  Why? –You never told me.  I had to learn of your dirty act, from your ex-wife, who hates my guts! — No need to crawl, or beg.  I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. When there continues to be lies, there could be no reconciliation. The answer is “No! we are not getting back together. It’s over”!

Today is the eve of the one-month mark of our separation and I am at a good place right now.  Yes, I am feeling myself and looking inward — I like the me I see. I had a rough and fatiguing week with car problems and a lot of trash talk. I got my nails done and that was just for me and it feels good. I blog, I write, I see a therapist – that helps me sigh and breathe freely to relieve stress. I eat take-out, folks unload their stories and tell me, girl, I’ve been there. Our pain is shared and we are not alone. I have a few great friends come see about me and I have some folks that just listen and at times, allow me to be me. Slowly, I am taking it one day at a time. I support every person who stays, who leaves or is simply contemplating and seeking God’s wisdom.

Positive Affirmation: I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me.

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Family

HINDSIGHT is 20/20

This post has been in my draft box for about six days and I have decided to publish it along with the other four blogs.  It needed a little tweaking. 

Readers, as you may know, it is unrealistic for me to think that my dilemma will be solved in days and all will be great and peachy. Well, I was reminded, life does not work that way. We have to face our tears and fears head on and not sweep it under the rug. When we bottle our feelings, we may develop, medical as well as mental health issues that could have been resolved by simply talking with a confidant, a therapists and/or doctor. Some days one may not want to hear about a cheating spouse, or dish up the dirt. Don’t get me wrong, I will have to tell some folk, “this is not what I need to be talking about right now”! For me to maintain a healthy self, I must set boundaries. I love that my Therapist said I will have ups and downs and this will not vanish at a snap of a finger. I have had great days, good days and not so good days of sleeplessness, restlessness, and folks attempting to get into my head. The thoughts when I’m up that dances through my head is that my three-day weekends when I worked nights and missed him in the morning when I get home as he would be at work, all those extra work days and super late night assignments, that even his boss once told me, he is sorry for keeping my husband out so late. Yep, I do think back. Oh, well, hindsight, is 20/20. We see stuff after the fact.

There has been signs along my marriage that I brushed off, been lied to, perhaps avoided or been too busy working to have noticed or paid closer attention to. I worked nights for most of my marriage, not that it could not have happened if I worked days. When I do not sleep, I think or read back in my journal. Little snippet comments such as this makes you look so young, or do not wear this because it makes you look… then he stopped short of actually saying the word, as if it was an illness. – yep, creeps into my head.

I have always enjoyed the moment I’m in. I reminisce, but I do not live in the past. Some of us, however, may be hung up on ageism, and yes, if we live long enough, we will all age.  Two things are for sure death and taxes, but if we live long enough, we will age! That is God’s promise.  Our American culture are not like other cultures, as we do not embrace old age as we should.  Mainly, as a young person, we think, our parents or mothers are old, not us.  Guess what?  You will one day become your mother (smile) – I can only hope to be that classy, beautiful woman! 

A younger friend of mine stated, these young girls are fast, she may have been talking with him and when she asked how old his wife was, and he stated she is in her fifties, she may have immediately felt she had an in. She was going to win him with her young body. Perhaps! — I was personally heard a co-worker once state that she belongs to the “other woman’s club” I was eavesdropping, of course, but the statement drew my attention. She stated we know our place — for Valentine – February 15 or 13, For Christmas December 26, the day after Father’s Day, New Years, a couple days before, or January 2nd, or she’ll settle for the day after Thanksgiving. She stated when men come over we do not yak and talk away. Set the recliner or turn the bed over and turn on a game and give them a drink or a beer. – If that’s the competition folks, desperate folks are settling to share our significant other.

A nursing buddy stated to me (I am tweaking this part because I heard it earlier this week from a friend), that perhaps the age difference is the culprit for my husband’s cheating.  She stated that you put yourself in a predicament of being much older than your husband and the chances of him wanting a younger woman as I aged, are at higher percentage. Although she may be right, and I am not saying that she is, I have never hidden my age!  I am proud to project my age.  I lost a sibling at a young age and I know she would have wished she would have made it past 50.  I have decided that age is one’s perspective.  For instance, a four-year old little boy stated that his sister is so old!  When asked, how old is your sister?  He simply stated, she is sixteen!  She was celebrating her sweet sixteen.

I have had no plastic surgery, I have lived, married, given birth, danced, loved, traveled, speak several languages, and seen what many have not seen and I think that is one of the great blessings God has bestowed on me. I love life!

Relationships are a struggle. My ego hurts. I really thought that he would never cheat. I was always ready. Never denied him, not once. I sometimes wonder, had I changed my schedule would he not have cheated? No! If I were younger than him would he not have cheated? No! If he had ten wives, he would have wanted another one. My point is, it has nothing to do with me. Readers, please understand that cheating is the culprit’s issue, not the significant other/spouse. One must stop second guessing. More importantly, acceptance of who you are and where you are at a particular juncture in life is a marvelous feeling.

Toxins, if not cleans out, will become poisonous. Once I realized I would always have hindsight that cannot be altered, my what ifs do not matter. I cannot change it, nor do I get a do over. I have made a choice that is clear and personal to me. And now I have a little more clarity and peace of mind. I sleep a little more. And yes, some nights better sometimes sleeplessness win. Guess what? and that’s ok, too.

My therapist stated that I have to set goals for myself.  I decided I have to prioritize what I want done, develop hobbies, continue to travel, even if money is tight, my travel may be to go my local museum or library, instead of the Louvre in Paris, France!  Who knows, I put that on my bucket list for late 2020 or perhaps, 2021!

Positive affirmation:  Thank God for small steps!

Categories
Family

HOW YOU DOING?

How you doing?  How are you holding up?  What are you going to do?  Are you taking him back? You’re not the first, what husband announces he fathered a child out of wedlock?  Take him back! — Started sounding like a blur.  My world just blew up, courtesy of the ex-wife. It was shocking! However, I knew immediately it was a gift.  I needed to know AND my husband would have NEVER told me.

It was as if the news of my husband cheating on me and a production of a child, spread like wild fire. And I threw fuel to the fire and fanned it!  I called a lot of folk.  I contemplated should I tell my children or will I spoil their New Year by given them bad news? 

Once it was out, it became juicy breaking news, everyone had an opinion I did not ask for.  The consensus was to go back to your husband, they all cheat, so what!  I feel like everyone’s just pulled up a chair and their microwaved popcorn, looking for drama.  The problem is, I think, I may have disappointed many of them. I put my husband out of the house and I have decided I will not take him back!  I did not want to meet his daughter, who is attached of course to a mother, I did not want to sniff his underwear, wonder how come he is late, check the speedometer, check his phone, follow him in the bushes. I knew one thing, I had to let it go, by letting him go.  I kicked him out, immediately!  I forgive him.  He had a midlife crisis and felt good that a 30 something showed interest.  Flattering, I’m sure.  However, he couldn’t show restraint!  It cost him his marriage.

Approximately 16 years ago, I dated a cop who cheated on me with my sister’s best friend, and I let him go. About 12 years ago, I dated a dude during school, who wound up cheating on me with another student. And now, my husband of 7 years whom I dated for two years prior to marrying him because he had baby momma drama and I did not want to be a part of it. I’m a romantic! Three (3) strikes, and I do not feel I’m out. It was like grieving a major loss but I also have to look within. This is going to hit me sooner or later because I brushed the first two-times aside and kept it moving, as if nothing ever happened.

It is one’s personal choice to stay! financial, what will folk think, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to start over. I support everyone’s personal choice. I am non-judgement and so is God! Know that God is there for you whatever you decide.

So, how am I doing?  Well, I thought I was hanging in there.  By day 5, I felt I was at 50% on the road to recovery.  I can say this from experience.  My current road tares and divides and/or forks into pebbles, dirt, sinking sand, wet mud with holes, and it is not paved yet.  However, I have some tough boots on and a 4-wheel drive called Jesus and the Holy Ghost with me.  God has given wisdom of non-judgment and forgiveness in my heart as I am embarrassed in their arms. God makes no mistake

My girlfriend told me to relax.  It could be worst.  You may have found out in your sixties, after him and his mother introducing this child to you as a child that she babysits; and you would have grown fond of her.  When you found out she belongs to him, you could have had a heart attack and died instantly!  I felt better for two days, it felt I was up to 85% over it when she told me that scenario! And then I fell through one of the cracks on the forked road and had a panic attack.  It dawned on me this was my third straight relationship that I was cheated on.  I cried!  I mean balled like a baby. I felt better. I also realize this was nine years. He calls everyday or text sweet nothings. I use to adore that, now it doesn’t matter.  

I started weight training at LAFitness last week to tone up myself for the Cruise in a few.  I went to Zumba yesterday again at the gym.  I was telling a friend I ran into what happened and she told me she had moved here from NY after her husband cheated on her.  She said during her ordeal she had stopped eating and lost so much weight.  She said, currently, this is now 20 years later, she and his current wife are now best friends.  Guess what?  Strength comes with time.  It will take time to heal. Forgiveness is for you, not the cheater.

Readers, I realized, as my cousin the nurse advised me, we take care of everyone but ourselves. “You have to see a therapist”, she said. It’s your third go around with a cheater. I know it is unrealistic to think this will go away on its own. The telephone counselor isn’t enough. So, I will really seek the help of a therapist and make an appointment next week. Meanwhile keep busy, I have my journaling and my blogging as my solace, along with prayer, song and praising my God. I have to work on me!

Positive affirmation: I am encouraged by great family and friends.

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You’re not weak for leaving – or for starting over.  It takes immense courage to walk away and make a new path – alex elle

Categories
Family

Oh no, 9 years gone!

It was just after Christmas, but before New Year 2020.  I got a call from my husband’s ex-wife, through a third party.  “I’ve been looking for you since Thanksgiving”  I immediately thought, Wow, that’s strange. Although she is blocked from my phone, her children have my number.  However, I pretended to humor me to see what could she possibly have to tell me.  I asked the person to do three-way call, and the ex-wife stated in a long drawn out statement as follows:  I know we do not see eye to eye, but you are a woman and I am a woman, and I would want to know if it were me.  Oh boy, I thought, she has promised to break us up and I gotta hear this good or bad.  I said, what is it?  She blurted out, “he has a two-year old child.”  She went on to say some other stuff at this point sounded like white noise.  I remember telling her thank you.

I confirmed this with another relative, who blurted out, that he had recently learned of this child, his new niece, a day after Christmas and stated if they did not tell me, he was going to because he felt I was great to the family, and did not deserve this.

Readers, please note the child does not belong to the ex-wife!

I think I Face-time my bestie/ ride or die high-school buddy, and she asked what is all the ruckus going on in the background.  I stated, he is not home, but I am in the middle of kicking out my cheating husband, who fathered a child during the course of our marriage.  My husband has a 2 or 3 year-old daughter, and it took 9 months to produce, which means the affair happened at least 4 years ago if not longer. 

The feeling of anger, betrayal, stupidity, humiliation, embarrassment is indeed part of my experience and throwing all of his belonging into the garage helped me closer towards facing my ordeal.  My husband is a liar!

To say surprised, shock is an understatement.  Yes, the ex-wife meant it for evil, but indeed it was the greatest gift!  Readers, you are thinking, is she crazy!  No I’m saying there were changes, distance, space, that up to this.   Our travel, date nights, time together, him always working, arguments about working too much, less vacations, left a gap. We loved hard, passionate even though I am over a decade his senior. Now I am able to put my finger on that widening gap. 

When my husband came home and opened the garage door, all of his belongings, suits, pants, dress shirts, gym clothes, shoes, sneakers, sports coat, belts, underwear, etc. had felled on the garage door.  I did not want to look at his face.  He has been lying for at least 3-4 years. My husband lied and as I see it, he would have never told me.  He said, “I am sorry, I did not know how to tell you”.

After he left with his belongings, I went to bed and felt broken and shattered. I rebuked him and did not want him to speak to me. I now in the darkness of the night had a million questions. Things would not ever be the same between us. I have forgiven him already, as I laid there in the bed. Remember, forgiveness was not for him, it is for me. I stayed in the quietness of the wee hours of the morning as a cell phone which fell and cracked within its case. Broken but strong in its case! I just suffered a loss. I am grieving. Hang in there, I told myself.

I’ts been about a little over a week and I am better. Through prayer, song, church, family friends, my faith has kept me. Find your strong tower. My strong self, the support of family and friends, are my sounding board. However, I know I have to speak with a therapist.

I have heard more stories in the past week than I could ever imagine.  A lot of hurt folks dealing with affairs, cheating, outside children.   Do I blame the child’s mother, the ex-wife?  No, I do not.  The minute I found out that my husband invited and entertained an affair with the culmination of a penis and vagina meeting, it was over.  I have heard folks tell me so what, girl.  Take him back!  I wouldn’t lose a good man like that.  You have been so happy over the last seven years.  Girl, you are not the first and you won’t be the last.  I am not responsible for anyone else, but me. My experience, my choice.

I would love to hear about your experience, if you would like to write about it. If not, feel free to comment on my post.

This is a free-non-judgment zone. I will attempt to post at my leisure and express myself, as I see fit. This is my experience, it does not suggest or impose on anyone else’s experience, nor should it suggest one should do what I did. Everyone’s experience is different, may be handled differently, it is a personal choice and should not be judged on their experience. Feel free to express or comment respectfully. More to come. You are invited. Keep it PG.

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