Should I stay, or should I go?

The choice is a personal one.  It should be done with deep reflection and prayer.  It should not be done in anger, haste nor should there be any doubt or regret.

Should I stay, or should I go? The decision is yours! The list of your spouses great attributes may or not sway a decision. In my case there were good ones. Was it enough?

Some questions that one should ask is: am I staying for the child or children? Am I staying because I have no financial means on my own or it will cause severe hardship if I go? Am I staying because I do not want to be lonely? Am I staying because of family obligations? Am I staying because of religious beliefs? Am I staying because this is marriage number three and I cannot get a divorce, again? Am I staying because it is cheaper to keep him or her? Am I staying because I have no where else to go? Is it a marriage if you remain together for a societal farce, but live under the same roof, in separate bedrooms? What ever floats your boat. If it works for you, it’s your choice!

On the other hand, questions may be: Am I leaving because of anger? Am I leaving because he/she cheated before and I have given him/her numerous chances to change? Am I leaving because I am not happy? Am I leaving because my safety has been compromised? Am I leaving to maintain my sanity? Am I leaving just because… This is a personal choice.

Whatever one decides, it is a choice that should be respected and revered by all. A choice that will not be attached to, “I should not have listened to that person. An ill-advised prompt will almost always result in regret!

Self-reflection. Re-learning to be alone is hard. Putting up with a boat load of shit that is not your own, is harder! Nevertheless, one must be sure. Try not to be an emotional wreck and keep in mind, it may be a struggle with keep a balance in the grieving process. Whatever you want, should be supported.

I have heard so many stories from friends, family and peers. It saddens me that my story brought out so many commiserating well-hidden, private and deeply-welled tears. I’m happy they were allowed to voice their pain. I hope our commiserating connections brought forth a tiny bond and pillar post of small comfort.

A peer told me, “you will be alright, because I’m alright.” She had heard it through the grapevine that I had made a decision so quickly. She said, look, I had a tough year, I lost a parent, started a new job after the last one ended badly and I found out during the course of a 40 year-marriage, my husband had fathered three teenagers with another woman. I think mine is worse. I told her that I was sorry for her pain. I also had to tell her that we are both experiencing pain, but at different levels in comparison. There is no worse or better pain and it’s not comparable, either. I told her thank you for attempting to make me feel better.

A friend told me, “I stayed, because we had two kids when I found out that he had a three-year old during the course of our marriage.” She mentioned it was the worst year of her life because she was sniffing his underwear, eavesdropping on all conversations, checking his phone, watching his shirt collars, following him, smelling his clothes, timing her watch, noting the speedometer, that it literally made her sick!

A male friend right now told me, “I’m on the fence, but I’m leaning towards leaving.” He said she said she cheated because she was bored and needed some excitement in her life and she wasn’t getting it.

A friend’s uncle took his wife back after she cheated on him and left him, married the man, had a kid.  He took her back and remarried her and raised the kid along with all five of theirs.  His brother called him a disgrace to all men.  However, he is happily living with his wife and their children for over 15 years.

One can only give a shoulder, but should not cajole anyone towards a decision so that they may or may not regret and place blame.

Whatever the decision, there should be conversation for closure. The persons involved should be able to speak their mind and ask as many questions as possible and should get a response. Once there is closure, the conversation is moot. Do not keep reminding each other over and over. That is destructive and will not end well. Talk about it, whether in therapy or alone. Then, drop it and throw it away. It is said, you can’t beat a dead horse – I say otherwise, there has got to be an outcome or a means to solving the issue of should I stay or should I go – A personal choice, indeed!

Positive affirmation: I am a strong woman

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