HINDSIGHT is 20/20

This post has been in my draft box for about six days and I have decided to publish it along with the other four blogs.  It needed a little tweaking. 

Readers, as you may know, it is unrealistic for me to think that my dilemma will be solved in days and all will be great and peachy. Well, I was reminded, life does not work that way. We have to face our tears and fears head on and not sweep it under the rug. When we bottle our feelings, we may develop, medical as well as mental health issues that could have been resolved by simply talking with a confidant, a therapists and/or doctor. Some days one may not want to hear about a cheating spouse, or dish up the dirt. Don’t get me wrong, I will have to tell some folk, “this is not what I need to be talking about right now”! For me to maintain a healthy self, I must set boundaries. I love that my Therapist said I will have ups and downs and this will not vanish at a snap of a finger. I have had great days, good days and not so good days of sleeplessness, restlessness, and folks attempting to get into my head. The thoughts when I’m up that dances through my head is that my three-day weekends when I worked nights and missed him in the morning when I get home as he would be at work, all those extra work days and super late night assignments, that even his boss once told me, he is sorry for keeping my husband out so late. Yep, I do think back. Oh, well, hindsight, is 20/20. We see stuff after the fact.

There has been signs along my marriage that I brushed off, been lied to, perhaps avoided or been too busy working to have noticed or paid closer attention to. I worked nights for most of my marriage, not that it could not have happened if I worked days. When I do not sleep, I think or read back in my journal. Little snippet comments such as this makes you look so young, or do not wear this because it makes you look… then he stopped short of actually saying the word, as if it was an illness. – yep, creeps into my head.

I have always enjoyed the moment I’m in. I reminisce, but I do not live in the past. Some of us, however, may be hung up on ageism, and yes, if we live long enough, we will all age.  Two things are for sure death and taxes, but if we live long enough, we will age! That is God’s promise.  Our American culture are not like other cultures, as we do not embrace old age as we should.  Mainly, as a young person, we think, our parents or mothers are old, not us.  Guess what?  You will one day become your mother (smile) – I can only hope to be that classy, beautiful woman! 

A younger friend of mine stated, these young girls are fast, she may have been talking with him and when she asked how old his wife was, and he stated she is in her fifties, she may have immediately felt she had an in. She was going to win him with her young body. Perhaps! — I was personally heard a co-worker once state that she belongs to the “other woman’s club” I was eavesdropping, of course, but the statement drew my attention. She stated we know our place — for Valentine – February 15 or 13, For Christmas December 26, the day after Father’s Day, New Years, a couple days before, or January 2nd, or she’ll settle for the day after Thanksgiving. She stated when men come over we do not yak and talk away. Set the recliner or turn the bed over and turn on a game and give them a drink or a beer. – If that’s the competition folks, desperate folks are settling to share our significant other.

A nursing buddy stated to me (I am tweaking this part because I heard it earlier this week from a friend), that perhaps the age difference is the culprit for my husband’s cheating.  She stated that you put yourself in a predicament of being much older than your husband and the chances of him wanting a younger woman as I aged, are at higher percentage. Although she may be right, and I am not saying that she is, I have never hidden my age!  I am proud to project my age.  I lost a sibling at a young age and I know she would have wished she would have made it past 50.  I have decided that age is one’s perspective.  For instance, a four-year old little boy stated that his sister is so old!  When asked, how old is your sister?  He simply stated, she is sixteen!  She was celebrating her sweet sixteen.

I have had no plastic surgery, I have lived, married, given birth, danced, loved, traveled, speak several languages, and seen what many have not seen and I think that is one of the great blessings God has bestowed on me. I love life!

Relationships are a struggle. My ego hurts. I really thought that he would never cheat. I was always ready. Never denied him, not once. I sometimes wonder, had I changed my schedule would he not have cheated? No! If I were younger than him would he not have cheated? No! If he had ten wives, he would have wanted another one. My point is, it has nothing to do with me. Readers, please understand that cheating is the culprit’s issue, not the significant other/spouse. One must stop second guessing. More importantly, acceptance of who you are and where you are at a particular juncture in life is a marvelous feeling.

Toxins, if not cleans out, will become poisonous. Once I realized I would always have hindsight that cannot be altered, my what ifs do not matter. I cannot change it, nor do I get a do over. I have made a choice that is clear and personal to me. And now I have a little more clarity and peace of mind. I sleep a little more. And yes, some nights better sometimes sleeplessness win. Guess what? and that’s ok, too.

My therapist stated that I have to set goals for myself.  I decided I have to prioritize what I want done, develop hobbies, continue to travel, even if money is tight, my travel may be to go my local museum or library, instead of the Louvre in Paris, France!  Who knows, I put that on my bucket list for late 2020 or perhaps, 2021!

Positive affirmation:  Thank God for small steps!